Do you ever let your mind wander? Do you ever just let it off the conscious leash? There is no direction to point it in, no rules to follow, it travels at it’s own speeds and with it’s own will. For me it’s a bit like jumping from a plane, but rather than pull the parachute to save myself from slamming to the earth, I know that to do so would actually result in my demise. I must not rein in, must not brake, but rather allow my subconscious the flight it so desires, demands really, and in doing so I am set free. I AM FLYING!!!
Some of you may think I’m nuts, but that’s fine with me and if you do then this wasn’t meant for you in the first place and I wont hold a grudge. The words must escape, and to quote a famous author, putting these thoughts down is an option taken out of my hands. Quite simply, I have no choice.
The other morning dawned crisp and clear and the dog and I decided it was high time for a walk. I have been blessed with beautiful country side for my backyard and as Cujo and I broke trail through the drifts of snow we were treated to the most miraculous sunrise. A great orb of fire crested the hill and light poured, as if from a heavenly goblet, onto the landscape before us, beckoning seductively for us to come, come and bare witness to all of it’s secrets. Suddenly I was a celestial sponge, capable of absorbing immense wonder and knowledge and my soul wept in gratitude. I was suddenly full to the brim with all the secrets of the universe, like I had been handed a bountiful feast and been granted my urge to eat my fill. This was such a gift as I was just coming off of a spiritual famine so to speak. I had been lost for such a long time and had almost given in to my despair that never again would I be able to feel…anything.
My entire life, I have been burdened with feelings of being alone in my difference. Frankly, I’m a little bit weird and I look in envy at the people that can live great lives without the feelings of spiritual loneliness that can at times threaten to engulf me. Why am I here? Where are MY people? I sometimes feel as if I have, again jumped from a plane, but this flight is not about freedom and rapture, but rather one of confusion and sadness. This is an army plane and I am being shoved onto the biggest, deadliest battlefield. I am handed the essentials I will require to survive in this raped and devastated country and over the thunder and roar of the plane’s engine, I can faintly hear a voice call out ” good luck kid, you’re gonna need it.” Gun powder and explosives permeate the atmosphere and I AM SCARED! I don’t get this. I am not meant for this, and yet – here I am. How will I survive here let alone succeed?
Slowly, like a child, I am learning. I must take these precious moments, like my sunrise, that are given to me and clutch them for dear life. Yes, it can be bad, yes, many good men will be lost, yes there is great evil, anger and suppression.But in desperate times, I can peruse my bag of survival essentials and find what I need. I can prevail and I can laugh and I can love. I can adapt and I can think. I can give and I can take. And when I come off the battlefield for the day, after witnessing brutal violence and desperate sorrow, I can walk in fresh snow with my best friend, and I can rejoice in a beautiful sunrise.
And it is then, when I allow my mind and my soul free rein, it is then that I can feel my ancestors rejoicing in me…