Barnyard or Brieyard?


I never asked for this. Truth be told I fought it tooth and nail because I knew how deeply I’d be affected. I resisted what I knew could change the course of my soul in an effort to remain intact. A detached human with all the normal worries, concerns, joys and toils. A human who never had to think beyond herself. And now I wonder; what am I? Human? Animal? Something else?
My relationship with humans is forced. I just don’t get it. Oh, I can make all the appropriate gestures and exclamations but none of it feels true. Why? Was I not born human? If not, what was I born? Why do I have so many questions all the time?
I’m afraid I’m an animal. When I’m in the barn, I get it. These beasts are a mirror of myself and I am reflected in their primitive logic. It’s so simple. Take away the worry, the societal influence, the monetary value and you’re left with….you. The truth. What’s real. I can hear the music of the ancients and I dance with them. Gone are the worries of the every day and I just….am. As I should be. Great.
What does it mean that I can relate to an animal more easily than my own species? Am I what I think I am? What do I think I am? Why do I question meaning all the time? Did my life happen on purpose or have I stumbled upon it blindly? How can I be so happy yet so conflicted? WTF?
Maybe someone else feels the same. I hope someone else feels the same for it’s you I write this for. Do you get it? Do I….?


Making Merry


I love Christmas! I LOVE Christmas! I LOVE CHRISTMAS! Have I mentioned that I love Christmas? I figure that the more I lie to myself the more likely it is that my inner sociopath will come shining through, convincing me that my own lies are actually truths. After all, what better excuse for spending money we don’t have on shit we don’t need and telling ourselves it’s all in the name of giving? How about giving me a break? Don’t get me wrong, I do look forward to several Christmas activities each and every year. Decorating the tree for instance, is a Christmas tradition I hold in high regard. Picture this: Christmas carols crooning softly in the family den, a toasty, crackling fire making shadows dance on the wall back lit by the brilliance of the star at the top of the tree.  Cherubic children in cozy Christmas pj’s sipping eggnog whilst stringing homemade garlands on pine branches, taking great secret delight in the smiling affection of mom and dad. Yes, this is the picture of my family come tree trimming day. At least the picture that’s in my head before the dream is shattered by stark reality. The truth is my kids were filthy and fighting, my husband was watching Thor in the living room, and I, having had a few too many nogs, sat on the couch and threw the decorations at the tree, one by one. The end result is surprisingly good, or was until the cat knocked the whole ring dang doodle over. I stood by tradition despite it all and made the family hold hands over the entire mess while I sang a tipsy version of “Oh, Christmas Tree.” Just as I slurred the last line in shaky falsetto, the dog puked on the carpet.
I love Christmas!
Another thing I love is the feeling of family togetherness that comes with the season. After the huge fight about who’s family will be graced by our company I’m always surprised to find my husband and I still together. I wonder if, contrary to media propaganda, statistics show a large rise in divorce this time of year? It’s just not Christmas until someone threatens to throw their wedding ring out the car window after a blissful day at the shopping center.
I really love Christmas!
And let’s not forget the children! Sweet and darling little spoiled brats hopped up on candy canes and sugar cookies. Yippee! Every single television program and commercial just dares parents to teach their children the joys of giving. As if. How could volunteering at the homeless shelter possibly compete with the latest XBox 180 game that you must buy your children or forever doom them to being the only loser in the whole class without it, inadvertently securing them a future of mediocrity and low self esteem?
I truly love Christmas!
I do.
Don’t you?
From one dysfunctional family to the next, this is a time of spending beyond our means, pretending to like our families, and being surprised when it doesn’t work out the way we planned. But then, does anything in life? Rather than give up I will strive for more attainable goals; I will love my family, even if I don’t always like them. I’ll teach my kids to put less importance on material things to the best of my ability. I’ll come to terms with the fact that the neighbor’s tree will ALWAYS be better than ours. And, if the turkey isn’t trimmed just so, or the stockings are hung a little crooked, at least we have food to eat and junk to fill them with. And that’s the best I can do.

I will sign off now, but nit before sincerely wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!