Barnyard or Brieyard?


I never asked for this. Truth be told I fought it tooth and nail because I knew how deeply I’d be affected. I resisted what I knew could change the course of my soul in an effort to remain intact. A detached human with all the normal worries, concerns, joys and toils. A human who never had to think beyond herself. And now I wonder; what am I? Human? Animal? Something else?
My relationship with humans is forced. I just don’t get it. Oh, I can make all the appropriate gestures and exclamations but none of it feels true. Why? Was I not born human? If not, what was I born? Why do I have so many questions all the time?
I’m afraid I’m an animal. When I’m in the barn, I get it. These beasts are a mirror of myself and I am reflected in their primitive logic. It’s so simple. Take away the worry, the societal influence, the monetary value and you’re left with….you. The truth. What’s real. I can hear the music of the ancients and I dance with them. Gone are the worries of the every day and I just….am. As I should be. Great.
What does it mean that I can relate to an animal more easily than my own species? Am I what I think I am? What do I think I am? Why do I question meaning all the time? Did my life happen on purpose or have I stumbled upon it blindly? How can I be so happy yet so conflicted? WTF?
Maybe someone else feels the same. I hope someone else feels the same for it’s you I write this for. Do you get it? Do I….?

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