The Last Summer


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As I write I gazeĀ  beyond the window pane and realize, with a jolt of grief and longing, that I’m staring into the twilight of summer. The leaves grow weary, further aware with each and every whisper of breeze, that they are slowly dying. I will mourn them when they’re gone. I am a summer soul and relate perfectly with the withering, dry husks that are left behind, sorry remains of their glorious former selves and stark reminders of me, in all my summer glory. It’s a cycle we know together, the leaves and I, and we’ll return together too, if only eventually and briefly.
I know how fortunate I am to find the leaves so familiar. It makes my life feel cyclic and tragically poetic somehow. Not quite the tree, rather it’s sustenance.

Like my verdant summer sisters, I often view my saplings from a distance. Their joy is my shimmer, and I dance in their  echoes of laughter and mischief, adventures and youth, sustaining me in turn. Their light is what gives me life and I unfurl, languid with love. How beautiful they are to watch! And I see that they too are like me, like the leaves. Each year they grow, so brilliant and dazzling it’s easy to see past what was lost in the Fall, what will never come back again, not even with Spring…instead new versions will come, season after season, and I will be there, blessed to watch.

But trees nor their leaves can live forever. Their existence is taxing out there with all the elements.
I can only hope to dance to my death as the leaves do, still twirling even in the final Fall. They whisper as they fade, acknowledging me, and I finally understand the meaning of their farewell; they are The Last Summer and their title is royal and ancient. They do not live only to see a single season, a blink in time as we have believed. Their energetic cells are every summer that ever was and ever will be, a perfect circle until the end of time and even then. They never leave me.

Something inside me rustles with the knowledge and stirs a long buried memory within.

The Last Summer.

And so am I. And so are we…

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Leap of Faith


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I, like the owl, am a creature of the night. Unfortunately, life demands that I must also rise before the sun and so I live in a sleep deprived whirlpool of exhaustion. I frequently remind myself that this is probably a key contributer to my many lesser moments, such as:
– demanding my husband stop the truck right the fuck now so I can angrily march 134 km home because, so help me, I WILL throw the door open and leap, just to make a point, drama be damned. Or…
– stand in front of my gaping family and passionately debate BOTH sides of whatever political injustice I deem worth pasing the living room floor about, hands wildly gesturing in the air and completely losing my shit over.

But truly, it isn’t easy being me. I despise the day to day crap that makes up the majority of life. Dentist appointments, bill payments, TAX SEASON, grade 5 math homework,  “oh shit, we’re all out of milk,” “honey, can you please pick up whatever,” “mom, I need this AND that for school tomorrow, sorry I forgot to mention it until 9:00 pm,” $500.00 vet bills, there’s suddenly no toothpaste and I forgot to pick up deodorant, no wonder everyone’s avoiding me, I should forget deodorant more often! And so on.

Really, I am beyond all of those insignificant details. All I ever want to do is find a pretty place to hide and think about What It All Means, because obviously I’ve forgotten. Life has somehow lost all relevance, which is, for me, the equivalent to some sort of death. Oh sure, Facebook is always quick with it’s witty or deep life quotes meant to either make you look intelligent or interesting, but all they really do is make me feel like a horrible human being or desperate imposter, and while I honestly know all these words of infinite wisdom are pure bullshit, at 3:00 insomnia time, they sure do cut you to the quick.

Alas, this IS life, be it meaningful or not and I am but one of many struggling to make it through the endless circle of…well, whatever the hell this is. Nobody really knows afterall. Not those in the Facebook Life Quotes Club, not people of religion, not starving or beaten children, not you, and certainly not me. All I can do is take a leap of incredible faith and hope that someday, this will all make sense. Someday I’ll have all the answers. In the meantime, I will try to remember to pick up deodorant…

Just a Quick Thought


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I was sure I had figured out all about me, but in the last few years I’ve become an unrecognizable version of my previous self.
Like a frozen lake, the surface appears smooth and contained with the ability to mirror what is beyond the icy, clear glass that is the outside world. But lately that surface is cracking, exposing a strange new element that was, in actuality, always there, just in a different form. It’s much more fluid and certainly less rigid than before but is essentially the exact same thing; an entire eco system, with life, depth, growth and change. A whole invisible universe that lies just beneath an ever changing surface.

Shit Storms and Hard Black Cherry Lemonade


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It’s noon and I’m drinking. I haven’t just started, in fact I’m pretty deep in it now. The morning dishes lay where they fell and someone’s toenail clippings remain in a neat little pile on my coffee table. I have black mascara streaks down my cheeks and a booze stain down the front of my shirt. I smell like B.O.
I’m sitting outside among a billion corpses. The leaves mark a hundred different kinds of death for me as they crunch beneath my feet and I realize that I have not once lost my composure despite all this ruination. If I do, who will make it OK? Who will hold everything together if I fall apart? How can I continue to be calm, loving and caring with this shit storm brewing in my heart? Will I die with these leaves and be stepped on by the next mournful warrior to pass through here, my bones crunching beneath heavy boots?
I feel like everybody has gone away. And they have. Are they going to come back? Am I gone too and I just don’t know it? I don’t deserve to give in to this, not compared to the others. Not compared to everyone around me. I feel like an inukshuk; standing alone. My job is to guide weary, lost travellers who are desperately lost. I am the symbol of hope and home. But where is my inukshuk? What a joke it is to have found it inside myself and to understand that not only must I stand true for others, but that I’m really MY only hope as well.
Not today. Today I’m alone and going crazy. I’m giving into the shit storm and everyone can just deal with it. So if I call you crying or yelling or singing at the top of my lungs don’t remind me of it tomorrow once I’m better and strong again. Today, I am sad, mad and sick. I just am.

Northern Exposure


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I was reluctant to venture North, in the beginning. Hearing the eager tones in dad’s voice as he put his plans to me was enough to make me go and knowing how worried he was that I’d back out last minute was enough to make me see it through, although secretly, I wished I could stay in the south where it was warm and familiar. I am a homebody, a title that’s taken years to own up to and one that only my closest friends know to be true. To the rest of the world, I am as adventuresome as I am courageous. Fearless as I am strong. In reality, I am the world’s best actress. “We’re going on an Arctic adventure,” were words that served my purpose of trickery and deceit. I used them liberally so as not to expose my true self to my (somewhat) adoring public. Leaving my family behind was like jumping into an abyss of the unknown. I simply couldn’t see it.

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I honestly didn’t accept that I was actually leaving my husband and children until the night before my planned departure and I faced the truth in my tearful farewell to them. I, in 15 years, have never done anything by myself. I’ve always had the love and support of MY family and plans have always been made together. Suddenly, here I was, leaping into the uncharted, the unknown.

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Some say it’s the unknown which shapes us. The fears we face determine our journey on this planet. The cracks in our character can be, if properly determined, smoothed over to become the pillars of our very humanity.
I can never express the magnitude of the gift my parents gave me, by showing me their North. They showed me themselves and, extraordinarily but not unexpectedly, they showed me myself.
Because of this, I am special. I belong to an elite group and I now know that I AM adventuresome as I am courageous. Fearless as I am strong. It’s funny how the biggest lessons in my life were taught to me as an adult. And I’ll remember them easily, every time I see my dad smile.

Northern Exposure


image

I was reluctant to venture North, in the beginning. Hearing the eager tones in dad’s voice as he put his plans to me was enough to make me go and knowing how worried he was that I’d back out last minute was enough to make me see it through, although secretly, I wished I could stay in the south where it was warm and familiar. I am a homebody, a title that’s taken years to own up to and one that only my closest friends know to be true. To the rest of the world, I am as adventuresome as I am courageous. Fearless as I am strong. In reality, I am the world’s best actress. “We’re going on an Arctic adventure,” were words that served my purpose of trickery and deceit. I used them liberally so as not to expose my true self to my (somewhat) adoring public. Leaving my family behind was like jumping into an abyss of the unknown. I simply couldn’t see it.

image

I honestly didn’t accept that I was actually leaving my husband and children until the night before my planned departure and I faced the truth in my tearful farewell to them. I, in 15 years, have never done anything by myself. I’ve always had the love and support of MY family and plans have always been made together. Suddenly, here I was, leaping into the uncharted, the unknown.

image

Some say it’s the unknown which shapes us. The fears we face determine our journey on this planet. The cracks in our character can be, if properly determined, smoothed over to become the pillars of our very humanity.
I can never express the magnitude of the gift my parents gave me, by showing me their North. They showed me themselves and, extraordinarily but not unexpectedly, they showed me myself.
Because of this, I am special. I belong to an elite group and I now know that I AM adventuresome as I am courageous. Fearless as I am strong. It’s funny how the biggest lessons in my life were taught to me as an adult. And I’ll remember them easily, every time I see my dad smile.